How to create a modern "country" song

"Country" music is very popular today. Are you an unsigned (most likely due to lack of real talent) pop vocalist? Well, you may just have what it takes to create a "country" song. Follow these instructions and you too can make indiscernible garbage that will get played on a heavy rotation to the dismay of individuals with actual musical taste.
Step 1: Name your song
This step is crucial. You must name it first because the title of the song will be said dozens of times in the song. Your song may not actually consist of anything but repetition of the title. So, what should you name a "country" song? Go for something that sounds witty... if you have an IQ of around 70. Bad puns work pretty well. Random bits of Ebonics also seem to be a popular choice. Also, don't forget that shoehorning the word "country" in will be helpful in telling your fans what genre your song is supposed to be classified under. Of course, if you want to feign being "traditional," you should mention alcohol... frequently. Your intended audience should feel that you think they are complete alcoholics. You might even go a step further and include all forms of chemical abuse. For this primer, we'll call our example song Country Badonkadonk Alcohol Day Bong. In today's Nashville, that would go double platinum.

Step 2: Pick your music
This step is exceedingly simple. You simply select one of the five templates that "country" songs use today. Don't try getting creative. You'll only confuse your audience.

Step 3: Write your song (optional)Since your verses will be short and nonsensical, serving no other purpose than leading into your chorus, writing is completely optional. You could just as well make it up as you go along. Nobody sings the verses anyway. The money is in the chorus! Once again, writing is not really necessary, as you have already written most of the chorus: the title. The chorus should just be a few random words followed by the title, or, for the true "country" professional, just the title repeated over and over. The more times you say the title, the more popular the song will be. Our example song would go a little something like this:

Countryyyyyyyy
Countryyyyyyyy
Countryyyyyyyy
Bong-a-bong-a-bong-a-bong-a

Drive my minivan on the street
Neighbor's lawn they be growin' weed
My whole day won't be complete
Without that

Countryyyyyyyy
Badonkadonk
At the bar
I be gettin' krunk
Countryyyyyyyy
Countryyyyyyyy
Country Badonkadonk Alcohol Day Bong

Crash my minivan 'nto a pole
Junk be itchin' from that hooker's hole
The neighbor's weed 'bouta get stole
I smoke dat

Countryyyyyyyy
Badonkadonk
At the bar
I be gettin' krunk
Countryyyyyyyy
Countryyyyyyyy
Country Badonkadonk Alcohol Day Bong

Dog cat fish cow pig and duck
Dude be arresting me name be Chuck
Hamburger sandwich I be in luck
Beer beer pot

Countryyyyyyyy
Badonkadonk
At the bar
I be gettin' krunk
Countryyyyyyyy
Countryyyyyyyy
Country Badonkadonk Alcohol Day Bong

Countryyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
Badonkadonkadonkadonkadonkdonk
(Carrie Underwood, screaming off-key) REMIND ME!!!!!
Krunk-a-krunk-a-krunk-a-krunk-a-krunk-krunk
CountryyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyAlcohol Dayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
Countryyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
Bong-a-bong-a-bong-a-bong-a-bong-bong
Countryyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
Country Badonkadonk Alcohol DayCountry Badonkadonk Alcohol Day
Country Badonkadonk Alcohol DayCountry Badonkadonk Alcohol Day
Country Badonkadonk Alcohol DayCountry Badonkadonk Alcohol Day BONG
BONG BONG BONGCountry Badonkadonk Alcohol Day BONG

Step 4: Sing your song
Sing it in the pop fashion you would otherwise, but mix in just a hint of Jethro Bodine (after you Wikipedia "Jethro Bodine," as you, being a "country" artist, probably have no clue who this is).

Step 5: Autotune
If you could sing, you'd probably have a contract already. Don't worry. Autotune will make up for your gross lack of talent!

Step 6: Make a video
You may want to recruit the help of a 100 level photography major to create that precise effect you'll need for a successful "country" video. There should be no bright, vibrant colors. Everything should look dull. This is a great time to use black and white or sepia liberally. As for the content, that will depend on the music template you chose. If you chose the slower template, the video will mostly be focused on you staring out windows with a thousand mile gaze or walking along outside looking at the ground. Since our example song will use the "party" song template, the video will just be a huge clusterf*** of people getting drunk and acting stupid. No matter which video you make, make sure to be holding an acoustic guitar, regardless of if there is acoustic guitar in your song or you even know how to play guitar. This will help the viewer pick you out of the video as the "country" artist.

Step 7: Rape ears!
That's it! Your song is ready to be released to the poor, unsuspecting public. If you've done a good job (well, actually, if you've followed this primer... modern "country" has nothing to do with being good), this piece of s*** may be featured on SiriusXM's Highway as a "Highway Find," the highest honor a new "country" song can receive, and a sure ticket to ridiculous overplay and market saturation. Congratulations! You're a star.
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Big Cray: Accept No Substitute

Next time, I'm paying with a chicken

I take pride in the fact that I am very organized and have great control over all aspects of my life, especially my finances. So many people today have no clue what they're doing when it comes to money and no grasp on correct priorities when budgeting it. They waste their entire check each week and then realize they might have wanted to pay some of their bills. Some of these people just never bother to pay them at all (such as this asshole), leaving someone else to have to pay it, and when that person's finances crash and burn, it all ends up on someone like me. Luckily, I have things under control. I don't overspend, always keep a buffer, don't let anyone have access to my account but me (including my personal ban on auto-payments), and keep an intricate group of spreadsheets updated with my monetary adventures. Still, every once in a while, the numbers don't add up... and I become irate.

When I'm going through my spreadsheets and cross-referencing them with my bank account, I can normally compare a recent balance with a balance in the banks record and call it a day. When I can't find a match, something is amiss. Perhaps a check hasn't come in or I've incorrectly entered a value from a receipt. I always assume I've made an error. However, recently, it is very rarely the case. What seems to be happening more and more often is retailers are changing the amount of a purchase after the transaction. How can they do this? I'm not talking about the temporary hold gas stations put on your account when you pay at the pump. I'm talking about how I make a purchase, have a printed receipt or receipt in my email with one value, and then a few weeks later, my bank statement shows they have increased their take by $1.38. It especially annoys me when I make a payment through PayPal, PayPal presents me with a value to confirm, and the retailer still gets more. I did not authorize the extra money! Why are you giving my money away, PayPal? Do you just think I won't miss it?

This kind of crap couldn't happen in the old days with the barter system. Imagine you were trading your bull for someone's horse, and when they came to your house later with the horse to pick up the bull, they took your daughter too. Do they just think you won't miss her? You'll miss her, and I certainly miss the money I'm being repeatedly nickel and dimed out of and the time I lose backtracking through my well kept records to correct things after they've been molested. I hope people are prepared to receive chickens. I think I might be changing my currency.
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Big Cray: Accept No Substitute