Monday, October 19, 2015

Where's My Hoverboard? (It's All in Marty's Head.)

It's 2015, and as October 21st approaches, it's becoming painfully obvious that the world will look nothing like the one that Marty experienced. So, the filmmakers' vision of the future was far from accurate, right? I'm going to make a case that not only was their vision not inaccurate, but that they never actually shared their true vision of the future. "Why?" you may ask. Simple:

Marty McFly never actually traveled through time.

I'm sure I've confused you, which is par for the course, but stay with me. Sure, there were three movies of time traveling adventures, but I feel like people seem to have overlooked a very real possibility:

Marty McFly's real life experiences ended five and a half minutes into the first film!

The last second of Marty's reality in the series.
You know... when he was thrown 10 feet backward into a shelf full of junk, which then collapsed onto him. This incident is played off very quickly after it occurs, yet they spent almost a minute and a half slowly building anticipation up until the blast. Odd, isn't it, that they would focus so intently, albeit briefly, on something seemingly inconsequential? Also odd is that we are supposed to believe Marty was able to stand up from this, almost immediately, unscathed. Is Marty really that resilient? If we are to believe this, then why is it that every other time Marty bumps his head in the slightest throughout the rest of the series, he is rendered comatose immediately? It just doesn't add up, and it leads me to come to the only logical conclusion:

Everything after 5:25 in Back to the Future was a dream!

Think about it. What actually happened up until that point? We saw that Doc had an obsession with clocks, a few simple gadgets, and a case of plutonium (although Marty didn't see that). Doc was broke and lived in his own filth. We see no indication, no evidence up to this point, that this man has the ability to construct anything more complex than a small robotic arm. Why's he have the plutonium? He's broke. He needs to make money somehow. Who's to say Doc isn't dealing on the black market to get by? Doc isn't really the focus of this though. Marty is, and he's buried under a pile of rubble after taking a good bump to the head. Twenty seconds later, Doc calls his own house, despite the fact that he should have no idea that Marty is there, and starts the plot rolling, even referencing the amplifier that Marty just blew up. Off Marty goes, as he's late for school, but in reality he's still laying there under that pile in a coma. Don't buy my theory?

The rest of the series gives ample clues that Marty is dreaming.

Right away, the classic "being late" dream begins, as Marty rushes to school. This leads directly into Marty's subconscious worries of inadequacy, as he is told he isn't good enough by the principal, and then Huey Lewis. He's obviously under some stress in his life.

George:"Did you hit your head?"
Marty's subconscious manifesting as his dad.
All the time traveling seems completely within the realm of a fanciful dream of a teenager, as do the simplistic and predictable actions of the other people in his dream. Wherever he goes, he's the center of attention, and instantly a hero to everyone. These things don't make much sense, judging by his small stature and the fact that he is a stranger virtually everywhere he goes. Furthermore, when he gets back to his own time, the only drastic changes to anything (with the exception of alternate 1985 in Back to the Future 2) are to his own family and Biff. In Marty's mind, he seems to only care about the repercussions of his actions as they pertain to those immediately around him. Marty must have a hell of an ego.

Further evidence comes from Jennifer's drastic change in appearance at the beginning of Back to the Future 2. A character changing appearance at random in a dream is very common. Your brain usually chugs right along as if nothing is different, just as Marty does when he sees Jennifer. This also leads me to ask if Marty actually even has a girlfriend, or if Jennifer is just a figment of his imagination. He's a teenage boy. This isn't that far fetched.

Speaking of appearances, isn't it convenient that so many characters in other times are doppelgangers of people in Marty's time? Sure, they're supposed to be relatives, but family resemblance only goes so far. Marty doesn't look anything like his mother, father, or siblings, but both his children and his great great grandfather look exactly like him? Marty is experiencing what Dorothy did in The Wizard of Oz. Marty's Land of Oz is simply his hometown in different time periods. Marty doesn't have the imagination Dorothy did.


Oh, that Marty. He just loves to sleep in the road!
Finally, the most crucial evidence comes from all the times Marty hits his head in the series after 5:25. He is immediately knocked into a coma, waking in a strange place thinking he was just having a dream. It's always really awkward when you're having a dream and you realize that you're having a dream. Unless you have mastered lucid dreaming, or you're like our friend Marty, the dream usually terminates abruptly. In Marty's case, his subconscious is trying to tell him, repeatedly screaming at him, that he is dreaming, but the dream can't end because of the head trauma he suffered from the shelf. Everything continues because the coma continues. The series never shows Marty actually waking up from that coma, so, perhaps he never did.

Sadly, Marty McFly's adventures in reality may have ended right there on Doc's floor. None of the other events of the series actually happened, and, for all we know, after the end credits of Back to the Future 3 rolled, Marty's dreams may have veered into even stranger places. Perhaps he dreamed he was a dog, or a doctor, or a deputy mayor.
 
So, on October 21st, when you look around at your world and wonder why you don't have a hoverboard and a flying car, just remember:

Give yourself a significant enough head injury, and, in your own mind, they can be yours!

-- 
Big Cray: Accept No Substitute

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

How to create a modern "country" song

"Country" music is very popular today. Are you an unsigned (most likely due to lack of real talent) pop vocalist? Well, you may just have what it takes to create a "country" song. Follow these instructions and you too can make indiscernible garbage that will get played on a heavy rotation to the dismay of individuals with actual musical taste.
Step 1: Name your song
This step is crucial. You must name it first because the title of the song will be said dozens of times in the song. Your song may not actually consist of anything but repetition of the title. So, what should you name a "country" song? Go for something that sounds witty... if you have an IQ of around 70. Bad puns work pretty well. Random bits of Ebonics also seem to be a popular choice. Also, don't forget that shoehorning the word "country" in will be helpful in telling your fans what genre your song is supposed to be classified under. Of course, if you want to feign being "traditional," you should mention alcohol... frequently. Your intended audience should feel that you think they are complete alcoholics. You might even go a step further and include all forms of chemical abuse. For this primer, we'll call our example song Country Badonkadonk Alcohol Day Bong. In today's Nashville, that would go double platinum.

Step 2: Pick your music
This step is exceedingly simple. You simply select one of the five templates that "country" songs use today. Don't try getting creative. You'll only confuse your audience.

Step 3: Write your song (optional)Since your verses will be short and nonsensical, serving no other purpose than leading into your chorus, writing is completely optional. You could just as well make it up as you go along. Nobody sings the verses anyway. The money is in the chorus! Once again, writing is not really necessary, as you have already written most of the chorus: the title. The chorus should just be a few random words followed by the title, or, for the true "country" professional, just the title repeated over and over. The more times you say the title, the more popular the song will be. Our example song would go a little something like this:

Countryyyyyyyy
Countryyyyyyyy
Countryyyyyyyy
Bong-a-bong-a-bong-a-bong-a

Drive my minivan on the street
Neighbor's lawn they be growin' weed
My whole day won't be complete
Without that

Countryyyyyyyy
Badonkadonk
At the bar
I be gettin' krunk
Countryyyyyyyy
Countryyyyyyyy
Country Badonkadonk Alcohol Day Bong

Crash my minivan 'nto a pole
Junk be itchin' from that hooker's hole
The neighbor's weed 'bouta get stole
I smoke dat

Countryyyyyyyy
Badonkadonk
At the bar
I be gettin' krunk
Countryyyyyyyy
Countryyyyyyyy
Country Badonkadonk Alcohol Day Bong

Dog cat fish cow pig and duck
Dude be arresting me name be Chuck
Hamburger sandwich I be in luck
Beer beer pot

Countryyyyyyyy
Badonkadonk
At the bar
I be gettin' krunk
Countryyyyyyyy
Countryyyyyyyy
Country Badonkadonk Alcohol Day Bong

Countryyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
Badonkadonkadonkadonkadonkdonk
(Carrie Underwood, screaming off-key) REMIND ME!!!!!
Krunk-a-krunk-a-krunk-a-krunk-a-krunk-krunk
CountryyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyAlcohol Dayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
Countryyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
Bong-a-bong-a-bong-a-bong-a-bong-bong
Countryyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
Country Badonkadonk Alcohol DayCountry Badonkadonk Alcohol Day
Country Badonkadonk Alcohol DayCountry Badonkadonk Alcohol Day
Country Badonkadonk Alcohol DayCountry Badonkadonk Alcohol Day BONG
BONG BONG BONGCountry Badonkadonk Alcohol Day BONG
Step 4: Sing your song
Sing it in the pop fashion you would otherwise, but mix in just a hint of Jethro Bodine (after you Wikipedia "Jethro Bodine," as you, being a "country" artist, probably have no clue who this is).

Step 5: Autotune
If you could sing, you'd probably have a contract already. Don't worry. Autotune will make up for your gross lack of talent!

Step 6: Make a video
You may want to recruit the help of a 100 level photography major to create that precise effect you'll need for a successful "country" video. There should be no bright, vibrant colors. Everything should look dull. This is a great time to use black and white or sepia liberally. As for the content, that will depend on the music template you chose. If you chose the slower template, the video will mostly be focused on you staring out windows with a thousand mile gaze or walking along outside looking at the ground. Since our example song will use the "party" song template, the video will just be a huge clusterf*** of people getting drunk and acting stupid. No matter which video you make, make sure to be holding an acoustic guitar, regardless of if there is acoustic guitar in your song or you even know how to play guitar. This will help the viewer pick you out of the video as the "country" artist.

Step 7: Rape ears!
That's it! Your song is ready to be released to the poor, unsuspecting public. If you've done a good job (well, actually, if you've followed this primer... modern "country" has nothing to do with being good), this piece of s*** may be featured on SiriusXM's Highway as a "Highway Find," the highest honor a new "country" song can receive, and a sure ticket to ridiculous overplay and market saturation. Congratulations! You're a star.
--
Big Cray: Accept No Substitute

Thursday, January 05, 2012

Next time, I'm paying with a chicken

I take pride in the fact that I am very organized and have great control over all aspects of my life, especially my finances. So many people today have no clue what they're doing when it comes to money and no grasp on correct priorities when budgeting it. They waste their entire check each week and then realize they might have wanted to pay some of their bills. Some of these people just never bother to pay them at all (such as this asshole), leaving someone else to have to pay it, and when that person's finances crash and burn, it all ends up on someone like me. Luckily, I have things under control. I don't overspend, always keep a buffer, don't let anyone have access to my account but me (including my personal ban on auto-payments), and keep an intricate group of spreadsheets updated with my monetary adventures. Still, every once in a while, the numbers don't add up... and I become irate.

When I'm going through my spreadsheets and cross-referencing them with my bank account, I can normally compare a recent balance with a balance in the banks record and call it a day. When I can't find a match, something is amiss. Perhaps a check hasn't come in or I've incorrectly entered a value from a receipt. I always assume I've made an error. However, recently, it is very rarely the case. What seems to be happening more and more often is retailers are changing the amount of a purchase after the transaction. How can they do this? I'm not talking about the temporary hold gas stations put on your account when you pay at the pump. I'm talking about how I make a purchase, have a printed receipt or receipt in my email with one value, and then a few weeks later, my bank statement shows they have increased their take by $1.38. It especially annoys me when I make a payment through PayPal, PayPal presents me with a value to confirm, and the retailer still gets more. I did not authorize the extra money! Why are you giving my money away, PayPal? Do you just think I won't miss it?

This kind of crap couldn't happen in the old days with the barter system. Imagine you were trading your bull for someone's horse, and when they came to your house later with the horse to pick up the bull, they took your daughter too. Do they just think you won't miss her? You'll miss her, and I certainly miss the money I'm being repeatedly nickel and dimed out of and the time I lose backtracking through my well kept records to correct things after they've been molested. I hope people are prepared to receive chickens. I think I might be changing my currency.
--
Big Cray: Accept No Substitute

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Norton Ghost... you're dead to me

As a tech, I have used many software applications over the years, some bad, some good. One that I had always liked was Norton Ghost. I used to use it all the time to image drives as backups before OS reinstalls, old content onto new, larger media, and various other activities where I wanted a solid undo in case of catastrophe. The last version I'd used was 2003, and it worked pretty solidly for me. However, that was most recently in 2006 or 2007, as I've been more involved with software than hardware these last few years and have not needed to image any hard disks.

Tuesday I was in the processes of preparing for some OS reinstalling, and thought I'd dust off the old Ghost. My mission was to image the contents of a spare 250GB 2.5" SATA HDD to a file on my 1.5TB 3.5" SATA HDD on my main tower. Once I'd done this, I could image my laptop HDD to the spare HDD, repartition and reformat my laptop HDD, and install Windows 7 (because I no longer want that abomination that is Vista on any of my machines). My main machine didn't have Ghost installed, so I dug up the old 2003 disc and installed it without fail. I hit Live Update, quickly got the response that everything is up to date (which I did find odd), and was ready to image. Seeing as I no longer had a floppy drive nor disks, I just decided to use the Windows interface for this quickie job. For those of you who have never used Ghost, the Windows interface basically sets up the task, and then it reboots your machine to PC-DOS and performs it before returning to Windows... at least, that's how it's supposed to work.

After the reboot, Ghost began to load, but never finished loading. It hung. I wasn't bothered too heavily by this. I figured I'd just image it another way. I powered the machine off and back up, but instead of going to Windows, it loads to PC-DOS. Hey! It gave me options, one of which was return to Windows. This sounded like what I wanted. However, after selecting it, the reboot hung at a blinking white cursor. Rebooting a few times duplicated this result. This is not good. Google!

After thorough searching, I came to find out that this was quite a common problem... in 2004. When you use the Windows interface, Ghost creates a virtual partition and the system will boot from that until Ghost says otherwise. So, wouldn't FDISK /mbr fix this? According to the general consensus, no. The method for repair was to use a Ghost boot floppy, and use the command ghreboot. If that didn't work, you were supposed to use gdisk to manually delete the virtual partition and set the boot partition back to active. My problem lied in the fact that I had no floppy drive, nor floppies. My first instinct was to make a boot CD, but the straightforward process to do this using Ghost somehow still requires a floppy disk. Wonderful...

What I ended up doing was creating a virtual floppy disk for Ghost to write a boot disk to, and then copying that data to a USB flash drive and making it bootable. I figured I was on the gravy train with biscuit wheels at that point. I booted to PC-DOS with my flash drive, tried ghreboot... no improvement. So, I ran gdisk. Upon listing the partitions, no virtual partition was there. I went ahead and set my boot partition active again, and went ahead and rebooted. Imagine my excitement when I saw the XP loading screen...

Imagine my horror when it blue screened with a STOP: c000021a error when it tried to load the Welcome screen. Rebooting reproduced the error. I booted the Recovery Console and ran fixmbr. Error remained. My next move was to repair install XP. The repair install seemed to be going fine until, STOP: c000021a. Well... thanks for destroying this partition, Ghost. I really appreciate that. I conceded that I just needed to reinstall the OS, but I wanted to recover the data on that drive. Seeing as I had a brand spanking new Ghost boot flash drive, and knowing that working from a boot disk was tried and true, I figured I'd image the affected drive to that spare drive, thus letting Ghost redeem itself to an extent. 16 hours later, Ghost finished working. I shut off the machine, pulled the spare drive, put it in an enclosure, and plugged the enclosure's USB into the laptop... just to discover that the drive was blank. Ghost had spent 16 hours doing nothing... nothing... 16 hours... blank disk... yeah... f*** you, Norton.
--
Big Cray: Accept no Substitute

Sunday, November 21, 2010

New name, content the same

Long time readers may have noticed that today, the name has changed from the classic The Geudelbuoy Experience to The Big Cray Experience. I apologize to anyone who enjoyed the novelty of trying to say "Geudelbuoy," or just liked the uniqueness of it. The name change is just a necessary step in the addition of this site as the cornerstone of BigCray.com (which happened yesterday, by the way). You can expect the same cynicism you've always gotten without any increase in Ninja Andy-esque narcissism due to the title having "more Big Cray."
--
Big Cray: Accept No Substitute