Dumber than a Hoosier: A Drunk Hoosier

Occasionally, a topic hops up and beats me over the head. This is one of those occasions.

I was fueling the old orange beast earlier and noticed a sticker on the pump complaining about Indiana's "outdated liquor laws." Apparently, there is a group of drunks that call themselves "Hoosiers for Beverage Choices." This could have all ended with me chuckling at the drunks, but, uh oh, they have a website listed... it's on.

The Hoosier alcoholic's website of choice is changeitindiana.org, although I think boohooiamnotdrunkenough.info would have been a more apt choice. It has apparently been around for a few years, so this being my first time hearing of it speaks volumes of how well promoted it is. I immediately went to the section "The Laws Explained" so I could get the drunken perspective.

In Indiana, you can’t buy alcohol on Sundays at your neighborhood grocery store, but you can drink as much as you want at a bar, restaurant, or sporting event (and then drive home).

That's a good point. We should outlaw liquor sales at bars, restaurants, and sporting events on Sunday. Then we're all good, right?

The other six days of the week, you can buy beer at your local drug, grocery or convenience store, but Indiana law says it must be sold at room temperature.

Confused yet?

No. I'm sober and not retarded.

You’re not alone…Indiana’s alcohol laws leave many people scratching their heads!

Are you f***ing kidding me?

These laws date back to Prohibition and are supported by the powerful liquor store lobby. They want to keep their day off on Sundays, even if it means that Hoosier shoppers are inconvenienced.

What? This is about people wanting a day off? WHAT? Oh, and we certainly cannot inconvenience Hoosier shoppers (read: alcoholics), can we? Furthermore, these laws "date back to Prohibition?" How is that possible? During Prohibition, alcohol sales were completely illegal (you know... prohibited?).

And they really want to maintain their government-enabled monopoly on cold beer sales so that they can keep charging you higher prices.

The time has come to put an end to these ridiculous laws. Help us Change It!

Ok. I'm not exactly sure where to start in ridiculing this group. There are just so many ways! So, while I figure this out, let's check out their "goals."

Immediately, I'm shaking my head, as the page has a banner at the top that says "A change will do Indiana good." With all the problems in that state, it's the drunks not being drunk enough that is the problem? Under the banner, we see their manifest.

Indiana has some of the most confusing and inconsistent alcohol laws in the nation. Hoosiers for Beverage Choices wants to Change It!

I could make it very consistent: Prohibition. F*** you, alcoholics.

Specifically, HBC wants:

1. Sunday carryout sales at retail locations across the state.
2. Cold beer sales at Indiana’s drug, grocery and convenience stores that are permitted to sell alcoholic beverages.

Yes, number 2 is complaining that the beer is not cold. Do these people not own refrigerators? Wait... I see the problem! That would require them to wait until they got home and chilled their poison before they ingested it! That would be insane, huh? Hoosiers need to be able to get drunk right now! It's a long drive home from the gas station, especially when they have to drink that whole 30 pack warm. Poor, poor Hoosiers!

Our state’s outdated liquor laws are an unnecessary inconvenience to Hoosier shoppers.

Dammit, we're inconveniencing Hoosiers again!

They prevent consumers from buying beer, wine and liquor on Sundays, when many families do their grocery shopping.

Families grocery shopping? Junior needs some Keystone for his sippy cup? This may be the most idiotic argument yet. Does the alcohol shopping have to be part of the family grocery trip? Are children supposed to be proud of their parents' addiction? Oh, and we must not forget: they want the beer to be cold so they can have some on the drive home. There's nothing like taking the kids out for a Sunday afternoon family drive/DUI arrest.

And because liquor stores have a virtual monopoly on cold beer sales, shoppers are forced to pay higher prices.

No. They are not "forced" to do anything. They are not "forced" to buy alcohol in the first place. They are not "forced" to buy it cold once they have made the decision to buy it.

F***ing whiney drunks. You're lucky you're even allowed to buy alcohol with the amount of damage its use causes society. However, you're going to complain because one measly day out of the week, it is slightly less accessible? You're going to throw a tantrum about it not being sold cold? F*** you! If I gave half a s*** about this, I would start a counter-site calling for absolutely no alcohol sales on Sunday, and for all establishments to be required to keep their alcohol the rest of the week at a toasty 150 degrees in heat lamp ovens. I would also triple the price and require cashiers to bitch slap any asshole who buys liquor while their child watches.

Oh, and also, f***ing whiney convenience and grocery stores... pandering to people's alcoholism in order to get help in getting laws changed so they can make more money off of those exact people. F*** you.
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Big Cray: Accept No Substitute